Trinity
There’s an idea, an understanding, or notion, that’s been becoming clearer to me in the last two months and it’s that of the trinity.
Not the religious type, because I don’t go in for that, but the idea that in a relationship there are three entities - me, you and the relationship. It’s not a particularly original concept. In fact I believe I picked it up from an episode of the Simpsons when Marge and Homer go away to a christian marriage counseling camp.
A couple of weeks ago I was out having lunch with Abby and I brought it up. We discussed the concepts and I went on about how it applied to the perfect relationship etc… - y’know, quite theoretical and all-knowing bluster - and how I understood what it meant and wanted to apply it to the relationship I believed I was in at the time.
Over the last two to three weeks since that lunch the concept has been banging around in my skull like a blowfly in a beer bottle. Personal things, that I’m unwilling to go into, have changed as well and that’s led me to consider this trinity notion with more depth. Sure I can talk the talk, but have I walked the walk?
No.
Not once, not in any relationship I’ve ever been in.
I’ve definitely felt real love for my partners over the years. That’s not the issue, it’s not a single issue. The issues are: have I loved the relationship; have I spent the time to nurture the democracy of decision making that comes out of this relationship triumvirate; have I ever built a relationship where I worked to give it a future; have I ever conceded what I wanted because it would damage my partner and the relationship?
Sure I’ve wanted to continue seeing someone because I’ve been in love with them, or I’ve discussed marriage or children… and have twice lived with my partner of the time but not once have I given up the big things I wanted for the sake of the relationship. I’ve hurt myself and others rather than give up what I felt I needed (not “wanted” mind you, but things I felt I needed) and it all made sense at the time. The model of thought I had then, that’s it’s me and them and “I know it’s going to hurt them but it’s going to hurt the fuck out of me too so it’s even” - that there were just two of us to consider - that model worked for me. Most recently it’s been “How could you leave someone for a job, to live in another country for a job?”, “you must love the job more than the person”… I can write books on why that’s a false supposition. I have left three people at airports with a sense of right because it fitted into that framework of belief. It made sense to do that.
And now it doesn’t. It’s a rude and depressive awakening. Oddly I have no interest in feeling regret. Perhaps that’s the only way to deal with the magnitude of the damage, perhaps it’s because I do enjoy the life I currently have, even though it’s all the poorer for being out of the love I have felt. Perhaps it’s just going to take a while to sink in.
Neither am I interested in going back and trying to right old wrongs, to reignite past flames. These people have their lives now and if I can make one faltering step towards respecting these past relationships, it’s to wish them well in their future relationships.